Parenting in Stepfamilies
Parenting stepchildren compared to ones own children can be very different depending on the biological parents expectations, and the stepparents comfort and expectation level for themselves. It can be complicated because the stepparent has to navigate and negotiate a new place in his/her new family as a stepparent. The relationship dynamic also depends on the temperament of the child and whether or not the child is older/younger and willing/unwilling to accept the new stepparent. The relationship can be similar to parenting ones own children in that it's still a parent-child dynamic, many of the same parenting skills will transfer over to the new stepparent-child relationship. I've compiled a list of 10 step-parenting tips that will help to aid in new stepparent-child relationships.
1. First, take it slow! New step-parent child relationships, just like any other relationship, take time. Trust needs to be built, new roles need to be established and all of this just takes time. When a relationship is forced, it often is poor and doesn't promote well-being. Start with leisurely activities with the child or ones that don't require being the disciplinarian. It's helpful to being by showing the child your in support of them, and their relationship with their biological parents as well.
2. Establish a clear role. Both the biological parent and the stepparent must come to an agreement in the role the step-parent will play in the child's life. When establishing a clear role, according to our text, "it is even more difficult when the stepparent lacks a clear understanding of what his or her role should be"(Price 169). This is something that can be applied to all relationships and especially when it comes to blended families. Set clear role expectations and stick to them.
3. Educate. As a stepparent, educate yourself on the struggles and stresses of a blended family and stepparent-child relationships. Take the time to find out common struggles they have and find ways you can avoid them with proper education on the subject, and if not, being aware of what is normal and what isn't will alleviate a great deal of stress.
4. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Often there is an expectation on one end of the spectrum being, "we'll never bond or get along", all the way to the other end expecting immediate love and acceptance. Know that like any relationship, things don't happen overnight and it will take time. Setting an unrealistic expectation just creates unnecessary stress to either match up to that level, or not even trying at all for fear it will never happen.
5. Get to know the child. Getting to know the child and his/her temperament can go a really long way. Becoming interested in the child's interests shows them that you care and want to know more about them. Taking the time to show the child you want them to be seen and heard, is the beginning of a secure bond in the relationship.
6. Alleviate the child's worries. Start by listening to the child, acknowledging their concerns about your new relationship and letting them know your aware of their struggles too. Often children feel torn between the biological parent of the same gender and feel loyalty issues. Let them know that it's ok, that you respect their relationship with their biological parent. This may help reduce the child's stress of feeling torn if they know they have the freedom to feel their attachment to their biological parent and that it's ok.
7. Establish new traditions or practices with them. Maybe this is something like going to get ice cream together for good grades each semester, or preparing a taco Tuesday meal together each week. Making time for bonding experiences with the child alone can be beneficial to creating a solid bond with the child. This let's the child know you care for them and are making time for them in your new lives together.
8. Become an ally to their biological parent of the same gender/role. This may not always be an option or easy to do, but no one knows the child better than their biological parent. For instance if your a stepfather, trying to form a relationship with the biological dad can prove very helpful with parenting. The parenting with the child should be consistent from parent to parent, and if your struggling with how to handle various situations because you don't quite know the child well enough yet, who better to help than their biological parent? They may offer you advice that could be invaluable and insightful to the child and further secure your relationship with the child.
9. Join a support group. We all need support and during rough transitions it's even more helpful to have those around you that can empathize and understand what your going through, and maybe even give advice.
10. Last but not least, be flexible and take care of yourself. Remind yourself things won't always go as planned, or even go at all. Some days will be hard, others easy, and everything in between. It's vital to be able to adapt and change course at the ready if needed. It's also very important to take care of yourself. You will struggle to parent effectively if you yourself are overstressed and depleted. Make time to care for yourself and your needs, maybe thats getting out of the house alone, or meeting with a friend. Whatever you do, make you you allow yourself the time to fill your cup so that your not pouring from an empty one.
1. First, take it slow! New step-parent child relationships, just like any other relationship, take time. Trust needs to be built, new roles need to be established and all of this just takes time. When a relationship is forced, it often is poor and doesn't promote well-being. Start with leisurely activities with the child or ones that don't require being the disciplinarian. It's helpful to being by showing the child your in support of them, and their relationship with their biological parents as well.
2. Establish a clear role. Both the biological parent and the stepparent must come to an agreement in the role the step-parent will play in the child's life. When establishing a clear role, according to our text, "it is even more difficult when the stepparent lacks a clear understanding of what his or her role should be"(Price 169). This is something that can be applied to all relationships and especially when it comes to blended families. Set clear role expectations and stick to them.
3. Educate. As a stepparent, educate yourself on the struggles and stresses of a blended family and stepparent-child relationships. Take the time to find out common struggles they have and find ways you can avoid them with proper education on the subject, and if not, being aware of what is normal and what isn't will alleviate a great deal of stress.
4. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Often there is an expectation on one end of the spectrum being, "we'll never bond or get along", all the way to the other end expecting immediate love and acceptance. Know that like any relationship, things don't happen overnight and it will take time. Setting an unrealistic expectation just creates unnecessary stress to either match up to that level, or not even trying at all for fear it will never happen.
5. Get to know the child. Getting to know the child and his/her temperament can go a really long way. Becoming interested in the child's interests shows them that you care and want to know more about them. Taking the time to show the child you want them to be seen and heard, is the beginning of a secure bond in the relationship.
6. Alleviate the child's worries. Start by listening to the child, acknowledging their concerns about your new relationship and letting them know your aware of their struggles too. Often children feel torn between the biological parent of the same gender and feel loyalty issues. Let them know that it's ok, that you respect their relationship with their biological parent. This may help reduce the child's stress of feeling torn if they know they have the freedom to feel their attachment to their biological parent and that it's ok.
7. Establish new traditions or practices with them. Maybe this is something like going to get ice cream together for good grades each semester, or preparing a taco Tuesday meal together each week. Making time for bonding experiences with the child alone can be beneficial to creating a solid bond with the child. This let's the child know you care for them and are making time for them in your new lives together.
8. Become an ally to their biological parent of the same gender/role. This may not always be an option or easy to do, but no one knows the child better than their biological parent. For instance if your a stepfather, trying to form a relationship with the biological dad can prove very helpful with parenting. The parenting with the child should be consistent from parent to parent, and if your struggling with how to handle various situations because you don't quite know the child well enough yet, who better to help than their biological parent? They may offer you advice that could be invaluable and insightful to the child and further secure your relationship with the child.
9. Join a support group. We all need support and during rough transitions it's even more helpful to have those around you that can empathize and understand what your going through, and maybe even give advice.
10. Last but not least, be flexible and take care of yourself. Remind yourself things won't always go as planned, or even go at all. Some days will be hard, others easy, and everything in between. It's vital to be able to adapt and change course at the ready if needed. It's also very important to take care of yourself. You will struggle to parent effectively if you yourself are overstressed and depleted. Make time to care for yourself and your needs, maybe thats getting out of the house alone, or meeting with a friend. Whatever you do, make you you allow yourself the time to fill your cup so that your not pouring from an empty one.
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